Today I heard that suffering might be the key to happiness and I thought this was an interesting proposition. I don’t have all the details but apparently there is a research going on and it’s based on a question where participants are citing a sad, difficult moment in their lives as the reason of their happiness later on.

There’s the popular saying that “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” and I guess this is connected to the research. You really have to go through some tough times to learn the lesson and as a consequence be prepare in case it happens again. Or you can use your experience to help others avoid it or go through.

A few years ago, my husband and I lost our first baby before he/she was born. I was probably 6-8 weeks pregnant when it happened and it was my first pregnancy. Later on, I learned that the first trimester is always the hardest because it’s the most critical time in the development of the baby but at that time I didn’t know it. We were not married yet at the time but were engaged and our wedding was weeks away. When I told my parents that I was pregnant my mom was furious and she went off on me. She said things to me that I never thought she would say, ever. I understand that I was her daughter and she wanted me to follow the right steps but it happened and it couldn’t be changed. [Just to be clear, I was 21 at the time, I had finished my degree and was working full time, paying my own bills and personal expenses.]

My mom’s words that day made me feel so bad and miserable about myself but at the same time I loved my baby and I didn’t want anything bad to happen to him/her. I was ready to have my baby grow inside me and I was so excited and happy because it was giving meaning to my life. I was getting married within a few weeks to a wonderful man, my husband, and he was as happy as I was to be having our first child.

I was at work and noticed I had some bleeding and of course I had read that it was not a good sign while being pregnant [I actually read a lot about babies during this time because I wanted to be as prepared as I could]. I told my sister about the bleeding, she works at the same place, and we left to the ER immediately. After so many hours of being there, they finally checked me in and checked me. My husband was there with me and they did an ultrasound to listen to my baby’s heart, and it was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. Now I wish I had record it but you know when you are under a lot of pressure, you don’t think about these things.

The doctor told us they couldn’t do anything for my baby. If I was going to have a miscarriage, then it would happen. There’s no stopping that. I was so mad at them, I waited close to 10 hours for them to see me to tell me that they couldn’t do anything. They just wanted to check me to make sure I wasn’t bleeding too much so that I would need a transfusion.

I was so afraid for my baby and I was heart-broken and I was mad at God. I didn’t understand why he was letting this happen to me. I’ve always try to follow His path, be a good girl, listen to my parents [most times], I was good in school, got good grades, I worked while I was in college to try to help my parents with the expenses, and I was in so much pain and didn’t understand why. I thought it might have been a punishment from God because I had intercourse before getting married.

So finally the miscarriage happened and the process afterwards is a blurred. I had a few doctor appointments since they had to clean me and it was just a horrible, horrible experience. My now husband was there with me through it all; he was, and still is, the greatest. Our wedding was just weeks away and I wasn’t feeling the way a bride should feel. I thought about cancelling actually but we had done all the preparations and everything was ready already. But the wedding is a blurred as well. If it weren’t for the pictures and video we got, I would probably not remember it as well.

I felt like I didn’t deserve what was happening to me, and I blamed God for it. I didn’t understand why He was letting this happened. And then I remembered something I had learned before, that God has given us free will and so he doesn’t intervene in everything we do or everything that happens to us because He wants to make decisions.

And now, I’ve also read John 9:3, “Jesus answered, “It was not any sin of this man or his parents that caused him to be blind. He was born blind so that he could be used to show what great things God can do.”

God can do great things
God can do great things

I’ve never really understood why I had gone through a miscarriage but this verse answers my question. It tells me that I need to use what I went through to help others that might be going through something similar. God wanted me to go through it so that I might share my experience with others and let them know that everything will be okay.

I was afraid of getting pregnant afterwards because I didn’t want the same thing to happen again so we waited a couple of years before trying to get pregnant. And once I did get pregnant, I was still a little scared until after my first trimester. Thank God that everything was okay during both my pregnancies, I have a girl and a boy and I couldn’t be happier. I love them so much and they are my life. And I feel like the experience we had to go through has made me appreciate them even more, because they are my little miracles.

I think God has many things reserved for us that we don’t yet know. And with every experience we go through, He is preparing us for what’s coming next. I think most of our learning comes from difficult times, so that we might enjoy the happy times later on.

Sorry for the long post but I do hope that if you are going through some rough times, be it something like this or anything else, always remember that God loves you and there is a reason for everything that is or has happened to you.

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