These last few days have been very challenging for me. I’ve felt more tired than usual, even going to bed at 8:30 pm (with two toddlers, this usually doesn’t happen). But for some reason my energy levels were just off. I’ve been cranky as well and no, I’m not pregnant! I think I have too many things going on — or at least my brain seems to be working more than usual every single second it’s awake. I would like to start many projects and I don’t know where to start. There are a lot of things I would like to accomplish and I think I’m getting ahead of myself. I feel like I’m missing something but until now I didn’t know what it was.
One of the goals for 2016 as a family was to attend church more often. Today is Friday, March 11th and we have not set foot inside a church at all. A few weeks ago we attended a birthday party for a 15th year old (a quinceañera). And there was a deacon that had come from out of state; apparently he’s a friend of the family and they wanted him to bless their daughter. My husband and I talked to him but my husband specially seemed to like him (and vice versa); they talked a lot. We had our two toddlers there so we were running around making sure they were not misbehaving and the deacon watched us. We were about to leave before the blessing, or the food, because it had been two hours since our arrival and our little ones wanted to eat but the hosts were not ready to serve the meal yet. So we were saying our good-byes but our friends convinced us to stay a little longer and gave us food for our children; so we went to our SUV, turned a movie on and fed them. After we were done, we were back inside just in time to see the birthday girl with her gorgeous dress as she received her blessing.
Afterwards we were seated in a corner with our two children and the food was served. We were eating when the deacon came over behind us, put his hands on both my husband and my shoulder and prayed for us. He said we were a very special couple and blessed us. He told us that no matter what, if we fought, if we yelled at each other, if we slammed doors, no matter what, to never go to bed angry at each other. It felt really nice that with all the people there, he would choose us to bless. He left shortly afterwards so we didn’t get to talk to him more but we were just in awe. There was a person that hardly knew us and telling us that we were special and praying for us. It was a great feeling!
While my husband and I were driving back, we were pondering if he had seen something wrong in our relationship or if he really felt we were special. Either way, we felt extremely good about that evening and were happy.
My husband and I don’t fight much and it’s usually me that gets angry a lot quicker and a lot often. But today I screamed at him and he yelled back. My two and half daughter was watching us and I could see her little confused and scared stare. She had not seen daddy and mommy fight like this. It was an awful feeling. But my husband didn’t stop there. He went on with other things and I went into our room, slammed the door, drop into bed, and started crying like a little girl. Crying is my thing. I would cry a lot for big or small reasons before getting married; it was kind of my cleansing. I hadn’t cry like this for a little while and it just means my emotional feelings are off. And I remembered the deacon from the party.
And I remembered God.
I try to always thank God for the new day, for my family, for covering our basic necessities. I love him, He loves me, but I haven’t reach out to him like I should. I haven’t asked him for help. I haven’t thanked him enough. I haven’t praised or loved him enough. And I feel completely lost right now.
Right now, I feel like He should be my first project. To study his word, to learn it, and to make sure my children receive that love and for them to know him. I don’t want my children to see their parents fighting. I don’t want to be the grumpy wife, or grumpy mom. I want to be happy and I want my family to be happy. I want us to be together and enjoy our short lives as much as possible without screaming, crying (unless they are tears of joy), or slamming doors. I know life’s not perfect, but with God by our side, it’s perfect for us.
While I was in bed crying, I heard the SUV’s engine and knew they were going out. My husband didn’t tell me anything, he didn’t take his cell phone with him and I don’t know where they are. I know that they are okay because my husband loves our children as much as I do. But I don’t feel it’s fair he left without telling me while possible still angry at me. Our fight was silly; it’s always about the little things, isn’t it? We have to make things right before going to bed, but he’s so hard-headed sometimes. It’s always a challenge to get him to talk about his feelings (I’m good about talking about mine). It is not about who was right or wrong; there are no winners in a fight like this. When parents fight, the entire family suffers and it’s not fair for our children.
Today, I’m starting a monthly challenge for myself. It is to read the bible for at least 15 minutes a day and write a reflection about what I read everyday. In this challenge, I’m going to focus on encouraging passages and write a summary about them. This will help me learn more, and I hope to inspire anyone going through something similar.
God bless you, your family and mine!